hey internets, where did my rejection letters go, huh? has my email inbox eaten them?

i've been sitting on the couch for the last four hours. need to stop doing this.

MORE RAGE THAN I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH, MOST OF IT ABOUT THINGS I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT. IS KEEPING ME FROM WORKING. NEED TO LIVE IN A PLACE THAT DOESN'T LEAVE ME SO FREAKING ANGRY.

everyone is totally the worst. the times has an article in which wasps throw around the word "inappropriate" about their neighbors not wearing clothes all the time. which--naked? in their own goddamn apartments? with their neighbors maybe looking out the window occasionally? oh dear, dear, dear. i've never seen an armpit in my life, i haven't, no siree, and armpits are inapPROpriate as all-get-out.

delicious dinner, but left feeling insecure. it's weird feeling judged by a friend i've definitely been/am judgy about, and weird to feel weird about it. note to self: don't make shit like that obvious. it feels bad.

want to cry, again. ALWAYS want to cry past midnight. STILL so much work to do. can't do it/think i can't. will try to do it tomorrow.

also: really really cold today. wanted to sit outside for a while, regretted it immediately.

i don't want to live here every again. i want to live somewhere where i'm nowhere near the weirdest person.

i've been supposed to be working on writing chapter three. instead, after i sent in the materials on thursday, i spent the rest of the day spending too much money on food/alcohol and talking too loudly. then, friday, i slept a lot, didn't get work done in crozet, and spent more money and time on food/alcohol, friends, and ibsen. (which was fun. i hate feeling guilty for having enjoyed myself.) then today i did some reading, and a lot of nothing else.

BAD. need to get done with dissertation. supposed to have it in by tuesday.

but this is a crazy schedule! why the hell am i trying to stick with this schedule? it's insane, it's making me insane, and it's also insane to think that harvard will actually shortlist me—in which case, why the fuck should i be committed to this crazy goal of finishing the book i've been working on for 3 years in the next 3 days?

read some about utilitarianism today. utilitarianism is more interesting than i thought. frances ferguson's book about utilitarianism and porn is interesting.

today, should go to the gym. am planning to bake bread. should do laundry. also: library, for books (the body in pain, and probably something else, too).

too much reading. can't write a good book in 3 days. this is ridiculous.

want someone to cook me food. also want a hug. also want need to talk to people. isolation is a bitch. i'm not cut out to be alone like this. it's the worst. can't work alone.

also: can't work with other people, either.

what if no one wants to interview me at the mla? can i not write the paper i said i'd give, run away, not go to the whole thing?

the job market is terrible. academia is terrible. if this is the initiation ritual, i don't want to belong to the club. the club is run by sadists.

i want to live in portland and make donuts for a living. i think i'd be good at it. also, i might never have to shave again. that could be good.

i should go to bed. will i be able to sleep? i ran out of clean pajamas, wore a t-shirt and underwear last night. it worked, but makes me feel shabby to have to improvise sleep clothing. i need to be more together.  clarissa is coming on thursday, which means i have wednesday to get my shit straightened out.

also, want to pick a lot of fights. no one knows how wrong they are all the time! wanted to tell them at whole foods today. had weird interactions with everybody. the whole women's soccer team from wake forest was there for lunch, and so was an old lady who wanted to tell me about the metal plates in her back. i wanted the soccer players to give the old lady a chair, but couldn't figure out how to tell them that. also they were tired, had just come from practicing, still had bags of ice taped to their thighs.

being an athlete looks horrible. but at least not alone. always people--all the time--everywhere.

want to see people. sad. don't like being alone.